As most of you know, Zero Calvin was released in 2003. in it, I wrote about high tech toilets that wash and dry your bum for you. Here is some of what I wrote:
The toilet appeared to Calvin to be machined from one solid piece of aluminum. It had elegant carvings, or rather, it had elegant castings of vines, leaves, and flowers covering all available surfaces except the seat. The seat was smooth and contoured to fit the shape of a human’s bottom. The seat did not lift up, presumably to prevent conflicts over its recommended position while not in use. It was very elegant for a toilet, if not a little clinical.
Calvin sat down on the toilet and looked about the bathroom for a newspaper or magazine to read; there was none. He exhaled dejectedly and merely pretended to read a newspaper. After a few minutes, his business was complete. He looked about the small room for the toilet paper; there was none. He exhaled dejectedly and decided he was damned if he was only going to pretend to wipe.
He started to get up to search the room. The second his weight was off the top of the seat, two nozzles nestled deep inside the toilet shot his bottom with a mixture of precisely warmed water, gentle solvents, and light scents. This, needless to say, came as a shock to Calvin. He jumped forward with surprise. With his body still bent forward to facilitate getting off the seat, he nearly hit his head against the sink, which was watching all the action from the opposite side of the small room. The sink was very glad that Calvin did not hit his head against it — as was Calvin.
Calvin was recovering from the shock when a number of logical dots began connecting in his head. Hmm, he thought. No magazine, he thought. No newspaper, he thought. No toilet paper, he thought. No paper at all, he thought. The toilet is also a bidet, he thought. Yuck, he thought.
He took a number of deep breaths while working up his courage. He closed his eyes tightly and backed his way slowly toward the toilet again. With immense bravery, he sat back down on the offensive toilet seat. Milliseconds before his bottom connected with the seat, the nozzles took aim and fired again. At first, Calvin was embarrassed by the water being shot at his bottom. Then, he was even more embarrassed by the fact that it actually felt good to him.
Approximately ten seconds went by and the nozzles switched to the drying cycle, which produced a similar surprise in Calvin as the initial attack had done. He recovered and sat back down. Ten more seconds of warm air and his first intimate encounter with 216 K.B. technology was finished.
He stood up and began to pull up his pants. As he did so, the toilet began its cleaning cycle. Two more nozzles ejected from a point approximately six inches above the toilet seat while two long rubber blades appeared from a compartment just above the toilet seat.
Calvin laughed hysterically as the windshield wiper apparatus scrubbed the seat clean. He continued to laugh for over two minutes. As he did so, the nozzles and blades neatly hid themselves again and the toilet politely flushed itself. Calvin eventually had to stop laughing because his ribs were starting to hurt.
I swear that I had no idea that these things actually existed in the real world. At that point in my life, I was only vaguely aware of the classic English-style bidet. So imagine my shock when I encountered one in a Japanese hotel room in 2007! OK, they don’t have windshield wipers attached to them, but they do everything else and more. Here is video of me mucking around with one in Tokyo:
In fact, I was so “moved” by these things that I actually own one. The one I have is by a company called Bio Bidet (http://www.biobidet.com/BB1000_SupremeBidet.htm) and it has made my life so much more civilized. Seriously, if you are still smearing poo around your backside with pieces of tree, you are so in the stone ages. OK, they tend to be pricey – around $500 USD – but you can’t put a pricetag on quality of life. Here are some of the features:
- Heated toilet seat (This is worth the money alone. So very nice in the winter time.)
- Bidet (It washes your bum for you!)
- Heated Dryer (Isn’t as useful as one may think, and I still end up wiping to dry myself.)
- Exhaust fan (This is truly marvelous and the best feature of all, even better than the heated seat. Let’s face it, when we are young our “shit don’t stink”, but as we age, well, it can get a little nasty sometimes. The exhaust fan is excellent and works for me every time. I’ve had friends that have still managed to overwhelm it, though. I think they need to change their diets, personally. But I digress.)
- Remote Control (Really, it has one. Mainly so that you can put the controls wherever you want. But it is also loads of fun when company comes over for the first time.)
So yes, you can actually have a Zero Calvin toilet seat and, in fact, I highly recommend it.